Confessions of a Thirty-Something Sinner, Saved By Grace

Bruce and I have been in a slight valley recently. Nothing to worry about. It's not our first valley, and it will most likely not be the last.

But this weekend, I guess beginning with Friday afternoon, I was beginning to have one of those emotional meltdowns. I cried for about an hour and was asking God if He had somehow forgotten us. You know, one of those nice little pity parties the children of God have from time to time. I knew He was listening to me, but I was seeing and hearing no answer from Him. Just as I had composed myself after this said emotional meltdown, I got online to read some emails and there was one there from a very dear friend telling me of a blessing that God had sent their way. I've never been jealous of others, but this time, God revealed how shallow I really am because I was EXTREMELY jealous and again began to question God, reminding Him that we were still here, standing in the need of a blessing! "HELLO?????" I shouted from my bedroom. Still no answer. Just horrible guilt for a jealous spirit. I carried that guilt and, yes jealousy, around with me all weekend, like a huge stone around my neck. I knew how to get rid of the guilt. Just simply kneeling at the feet of my Heavenly Father would fix that, but the jealousy was another story. I was holding on to that with both hands.

On the way to church Sunday morning, Bruce was driving and I was glad because I couldn't hold on to it any longer. I began to cry and boo hoo and all that goes with praising God for all the goodness He's given to my family. For my sweet, hardworking husband, my wonderful children, my home, and everything that goes with us. The jealousy was no longer there, but the shame of it was. And on top of the shame.....we were still in the valley.

I was so ashamed of myself over the weight of jealousy I was carrying. And I was still hurt that I felt forgotten by the Lord. I cried during Sunday school and had to excuse myself. I cried all through choir after Mrs. Tammy sang He'll Do It Again. So much that Mrs. Liz said I had all of her girls wondering what was wrong. My friend, Missy, was concerned. My mother was concerned. I had all these people wondering why I was so upset. I just could not control myself. So by the time I'm coming down from choir, I'm able to compose myself. But then the quartet gets up to sing and what do they sing? Even In The Valley God Is Good.

Oh dear, this was just too much. As soon as they hit the chorus, I hit the alter. God forgave me of my sin of jealousy and for the first time in several days, I felt Him answer me. "You silly girl. Don't you know I have everything under control?"

It didn't stop there. Our Pastor is away in the Philippines so Brother Johnny Owens, our associate Pastor, preached. As usual, he was VERY good. During his sermon, I felt as though he had been a fly on the wall of my heart all weekend listening to the conversations I was having with God. How did he know what I needed this morning? He didn't. But God did. His first point of why we don't receive God's blessings was because of sin in our hearts. My sis was jealousy. Not to mention building a wall between me and the Lord. How can He bless me when I've built this high wall between us?

His last point was, we miss out on God's blessings because we are unyielding to His hands working in our lives. Yes, that was me. Unyielding to the Potter's hands as he continually molds and makes me in this valley. Again, I hit the alter one last time just to make sure there was perfect peace between me and my Heavenly Father. There was.

The Lord began blessing me immediately. Just His presence and fellowship is enough. Sometimes we get so wrapped in our problems and how WE are going to fix them we forget about God and what He can do without us ever having to lift a finger to help ourselves.

That same friend I was jealous of called yesterday with another blessing God poured out on them and I can honestly say I was genuinely happy for them. I rejoiced with them and gave God thanks for His blessings on both of us.

A quote that I read somewhere recently just before all this happened said.....

"Never be jealous of other's blessings....God blesses us all more than
we deserve."

Isn't that the truth?

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who hath blessed us with all spiritual blessings in heavenly places in Christ:

Ephesians 1:3 KJB